Saturday, June 13, 2015

From an Old Broad to a New One: Welcome to the Sisterhood, Caitlyn



Caitlyn, here's the thing about being a woman.  The outfits are painful, okay?  I mean, if you dress to attract men you're going to be stuffing things into wire frameworks and sucking in your gut, a lot.  As a guy, you never had to do that, right? The world was your kingdom and well, your toilet.  You've given up quite a bit to follow your girl heart, not the least of which is the amount of money you can make if you had grown up in this gig, as well as the ability to wee anywhere you want.  I really applaud your courage, honey, but you need to become a real woman pretty fast. And there's a lot more to it than boobs and that come-hither thing you're working.

Look at your corset!  I can hardly breathe myself, just thinking of how much you had to suck in to make that all work. Who told you this is what a woman looks like? Oh, wait. Yes, the media, how silly of me.  But eventually you're going to walk down the street and see regular gals and while you're teetering in heels trying to attract sexual attention most of us will be longing to be home in our sweatpants.   Honey, I know it's fresh and new for you.  I get that.  But you're coming to this chick thing kinda late in the game so me and the sisterhood would like to get you up to speed.

THE TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT BEING A BROAD

1. Our bodies are fabulous - they produce babies, for God's sake.  We can grow a human inside us.  Girls are strong and sturdy, our legs are built to stand up while said human is inside us.  Miraculous.  I'm sorry you missed this part (it's one of the best parts) but you also did an end run around menstruation, so kudos to you for that one. Apparently you won't have to manage menopause either and I'm actually a little pissed about that.

2.  We are smart in ways that are astounding. While men can do the strategic thinking that sustains wars (wow!) we get messages from all over the place that tell us what is going on inside somebody's head and heart.  Hard to explain, but we're hard-wired to read a room, find a creep, know your thoughts, and if necessary frighten guys in ways that leave them gasping for air.  It's so cool.  Yes, yes they have guns.  But we pack heat.

3.  Girlfriends are like the Mafia.  We close ranks, take secrets to our graves, and will do anything to protect each other. So, I guess there's no other way to say this but when women circle the wagons just don't fuck with us. I'm not sure men have this, except on the battlefield. 

4.  Women are unburdened by the terrible expectations we pile on guys: be the "breadwinner," protect everybody, change the damn tire, fix all the broken shit in the house, don't cry, don't be weak, be productive.  Dang, there is no way I'd want to be a guy. There's a bunch of lousy expectations around women too, of course, but they're all stupid and we ignore them.

5.  We get deeper as we get older.  Not having a penis and therefore not giving a rat's ass about sex and "power" particularly after 50, women develop these amazing inner lives of spirituality; Dude, we cruise the universe as we age, happier, lighter, and freed of the burden of buzzing sexuality that charges the ions around men.  For a chick, losing the libido is like a free pass out of prison.  For men, it's often some kind of death sentence that makes them engage in phenomenally stupid and destructive behavior.

Caitlyn, you're gonna like being a broad once you lose the push-up bra and the idea that you have to be in your underwear all the time.  Let your belly hang a little there, sister.  Breasts are just sweat glands wtih good press, and once you stop trying to attract people to screw you - miraculously, they won't.  And that's when life gets really fun. 


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