Hey Tony. If I was sitting next to you at Sunday dinner I’d smack you so hard on the back of the head it would make your kids dizzy. What a dumb ass you are. You get a seat at the big boy table and what do you do? Put your Guido aviator shades on and act like you’re in waste management in the Bronx rather than the goddamn White House. You better hope my Aunt Rita doesn’t run into you cause I’ll tell you what brother: we Italians are not happy with you and you know what happens when the family’s not happy.
So, your narcissistic bully boss – from another ethnic background of some kind – pulls you in, you know, close to the vest and Tony-Soprano-like “hey ho yo”, grabbing at your balls and being all tough guy. And Trump says Yo Tony kill the leaks, man! Make ‘em all shut the f—up”! and you swear some inane mafia-type oath about being loyal to him and firing people and you bring your stupid New York WOP act to DC. Thanks a lot jack ass.
Sit down and shut up and listen to me and I don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t want to hear about my grandparents from Avellino in Italy who came to Philly and worked as bricklayers, tailors, and shop owners so that their kids – my parents – could go to college, and become, doctors (like my Dad and uncle) and nurses (my Mom) and make each generation better. And yes, Italians were seen as louds, stupid, greasy, dirty people - the image you so readily portray, thanks very much. Just when Italians could go quietly back to our raucous and happy family-centric lives, you show up and it’s right back to the stereotypical bombastic idiot Italian, a White House press secretary who doesn’t even know what “on the record” means. Madonna Mia. Italians have about fifty different words for stupid and you measure up to every one of them.
I can appreciate the notion that you “want to be yourself” but don’t. Your self sucks. Your knucklehead boss is of the same ilk – oh, I’m just gonna be me. Both your personalities are just terrible, dude. Hide it. Don’t be the strutting street corner thug you think you are. Class it up, asshole. Lots of immigrants have learned this: dial it down when you’re around white people. And the White House is full of those, so act like a grown up – you mameluke – and try to find a measure of dignity and smarts. Not sure you have either, but on behalf of Italians everywhere, I’m telling you – not asking – to knock off the “made guy” routine.
Somebody had to write about this. The minute I saw your name and heard you open my mouth I was like “oh f--- me. Here it goes. A Scarammuchi in the White House who thinks he’s all that.” You’re not all that, Tony. You know what you are? A disgrace to every hard- working Italian-American who honors the hard-working ancestors that got us here. You think surgeons, lawyers, teachers, business owners of Italian descent just act any way they want? You think anybody does? There are freaking rules of civility you stupidone. Put the hair gel away and learn them. You want to be all mouthy schmooz boy? Save that for your friends, you feckless braggart. And don’t even think about Sunday dinner. My little Aunt Rita would kick your ass.